Musings
12 June 2008
An Open Wound
As many people who know me are aware I
recently dated someone I like very much. We only went out once
to a reasonably nice restaurant. We ate and had a pleasant
conversation, afterward we sat by the river and talked for a while
then I drove her home and we sat on her porch and spoke for a bit
longer after which she walked me to my car and we said our good
nights. During our conversation she said at least twice that she
wanted to take things slowly, so when we embraced before I got in
my car I thought, "slow is good, I've waited a lifetime I can wait
longer if I need to" but then she did something that took me
completely by surprise, she kissed me full on the lips. Needless
to say my understanding of slow was a bit different and I could not
react in time to return her kiss so I fear all she got from me was
a stiff lip and she ran inside before I could so much as blink much
less grasp what had happened. Given that she bestowed a kiss on me
I thought the evening went pretty well but after that point she
turned an icy shoulder to me, roughly three weeks later she
calls me up
and tells me we want different things and she does not want to see
me anymore. Needless to say I am still confused, hurt, and a
little more jaded than I was before. I still like her very much
and would like to see her again but it's like there is an icy chasm
between us now and I keep going back to the kiss and wondering, had
I been quicker to respond would things be different now? Did I say
something afterward that turned her heart against me? Did she
feel I was smothering her with my affections?
We have known each other
for a number of years, why is it so hard for either of us to talk
about it? I find myself wishing more and more that she had not
ended it the way that she did. She closed and locked the door so
as to leave me bereft of even a glimmer of hope.
I know you are
probably thinking, why is he writing about it rather than talking
to her about it? Or talking to a friend or family member? There
in lies the crux of the matter, I don't really have an outlet for
this other than writing about it, especially
with regards to this beautiful, intelligent, young woman. So I
figured I'd write about it and that maybe that will loosen some
of the irrational hostility toward the world in general that has
been growing daily in my heart. I was able to tell one friend that
I see all of once every three years or so and all she could do was
agree that the entire thing was very confusing. And yet I still
yearn to see her every day even though she does not feel the
same for me.
20 January 2008
Ok, I've been thinking about this for some time and it seems to me
that this
MLK Day
that we are getting for this Monday is the most
exclusive "holiday" we celebrate in the US. I don't disagree that
MLK did good things for America and most specifically Americans of
BLACK African descent, but where are the federal holidays
celebrating women's suffrage, or Asian rights. I just feel the
holiday is somehow race based since it is named after a single
man who was fighting specifically for the rights of black
Americans. Are we celebrating MLK's life like he is Jesus,
Mohammed, or Abraham, or his contribution to civil rights in which
case the holiday should have been named Civil Rights Day or
Human Rights Day.
Christmas, whether
you are a believer or not is still quite inclusive and is celebrated
around the world as is New Years.
Presidents Day, Independence Day, and Thanksgiving celebrate our
nations history, Veterans Day and Memorial Day celebrates those who
have given their lives to give us the freedoms and lifestyles we
enjoy today. I can't say I really understand the reasoning behind
Labor Day
other than law makers wanted to give us a day off in September.
And I can't say I find
Columbus Day
to be much more meaningful to most Americans [USians] except in
a historical context. I think American History Day or
US History Day would have been a more appropriate less exclusive
name.
I guess what I am saying is that if we are going to give a
day off to celebrate people of African descent then we should also
have days
off for people of European, Asian, Antarctic, Australian, and North
and South American descent as well. After all we are a melting pot
nation, we should certainly celebrate people from every continent
since each of them have contributed to building our nation. [Yes, I
know Antarctica is mostly unpopulated but as long as we are just
"giving away" holidays I figure we might as well sneak one extra
one in] After all we don't have any federal holidays in March,
April, June, or August. The way I see it we could rename Columbus
Day to European Day, and MLK Day to African Day and have South
American Day in August, Asian Day in March, Australian Day in April
and North American Day in June.
26 May 2007
I was looking at my sister's and brother's MySpace pages and it
occurred to me that people just don't have an appreciation of what
kind of exposure they are giving themselves when they post things
on those kinds of sites. I realize they are never likely to run
for political office but some things just shouldn't be put in the
public eye. The web is open to every crazy criminal and
psychopath on the planet. Why tell them things you wouldn't feel
comfortable talking about with your friends and family face to
face. I guess I am just concerned for their health and
well-being. That and I find it unpleasant that they would put
things on their webpages that they won't tell their own family.
It's a bit disappointing.
16 Aug 2004
You know it's funny, not funny "ha-ha", funny "hmmm". I have spent my
entire adult life wishing for the joy and happiness that comes with
finding someone with whom to share my life and experiences and who would
want to do the same with me, yet seemingly everyday,
I hear about Kobe Bryant, Scott Peterson, and Mark Hacking.
What is going on? I would
never even consider harming a woman and a woman won't even give me the
time of day yet for some inconceivable reason these psychopaths have all
found women that liked them well enough to MARRY them. Every woman I
have ever met has said I am a "sweetheart", which must be female code for
something far worse that I just can't fathom, yet these IDIOTS get some
measure of the joy and happiness that seems forever out of my reach.
Where is the justice in that?
The reason all this comes up is, today, I once again saw the woman for
whom I would die a thousand painful deaths, climb the highest peaks, and
swim the deepest oceans yet who is forever my Dulcinea, the embodiment of
forever unrequited affection. And I seem destined to forever be Don
Quixote jousting with my imaginary dragons, never truly finding what I
seek or accomplishing anything with any lasting meaning.
